A survival guide for horror movie haters

Graphic by Easton Clark, Photography Editor

I hate horror movies.

Features and Entertainment editor, Ben Price, knows my stance on the genre and, in his conniving ways, assigned me to do an article on “The Conjuring: Last Rites.” Upon reading my assignment, I could already feel my palms sweat as I dreaded sitting in a dark theater for 135 minutes to watch a movie I previously had no intention of seeing.

For reference, earlier this month, I tried to watch Zach Cregger’s “Weapons” before a scare in the first 10 minutes made me jump out of my seat and leave the theater. This is an unfortunate position to be in as someone with a number of horror enthusiast friends. In my time, I’ve been forced to watch far more horror movies than I would have liked to, always with my ears firmly plugged and my eyes tightly shut.

Given that “The Conjuring: Last Rites” is currently exceeding all expectations by passing $300 million at the box office, I can only assume that scaredy cats such as myself are being unwillingly dragged into the theater with their friends to see this horror box office smash. But fear not! I’ve compiled a list of the top five ways you can prepare yourself for “The Conjuring: Last Rites.”

1. Research

I’m never an advocate for spoilers, but it can be helpful to know the general direction of the movie’s narrative. As the last film in a decade-long series, “The Conjuring: Last Rites” follows Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga, respectively), two paranormal investigators, as they track strange activities in suburban Pennsylvania. While I was a bit lost at times, having not seen any other movies in the franchise, the filmmakers did a solid job of bringing new audiences into the more complex family drama elements present in the married couple’s non-ghosthunting affairs.

The main ghastly foe is a haunted mirror from Ed and Lorraine’s first investigation together. Decades later, as Ed and Lorraine seek to retire from paranormal investigation to avoid straining Ed’s bad heart and enjoy their later years, they’re drawn back into the field when a family buys the mirror in question at an antique sale. Being haunted by three dastardly ghosts, ghoulish thrills follow. As a general tip, if you’re also averse to horror, any scene in which the mirror shows up is a good time to look away.

2. Seating selection

If you’re able to have a say in where you’re sitting, proper placement in the theater and the time of day can be crucial for making it through two hours of frights. For my screening, I went to a 12:15 p.m. matinee. I always find that having the sun out when I leave the theater makes the horror elements a bit easier to take. The audience was surprisingly packed. Even though I didn’t go with any friends, having other people around absolutely helped with the experience.

I also made sure to buy a seat close to the exit. If you’re anything like me, when a scene gets to be too much, you might have to leave the theater at a moment’s notice. I picked seat G1, which meant that I was far enough up to see the screen well, but also close enough to the exit that I could easily step out if I felt I needed to. 

3. Anticipating the jumps

Phones in theaters are an obvious desecration of the theatrical experience and should never be OK in that setting. But — and I hate to admit this — I’ve always relied on a quick peek at my phone when it comes to horror involving jump scares. Typically, a little bit of internet research can lead you to a Reddit thread or website blog with a list of when all the big jump scares are placed. Memorizing or taking glances at a list like this can be a lifeline, especially with movies like the “Conjuring” franchise, where the jump scares come with regular frequency.

Luckily, with “Conjuring: The Last Rites,” even though I relied on the list at first, it became pretty evident that the filmmakers followed a formulaic structure for the jump scares. Whenever a character is off on their own in the dark, there’s almost always a fake-out jump scare where the music abruptly stops and the character reacts to nothing there. Once the character takes a sigh of relief, that’s the cue to plug your ears and prepare for an obnoxiously loud musical sting and creepy imagery to follow.

4. The bathroom is your friend

Knowing what I was getting into, I brought a large water bottle to prepare for the movie. Even though I guess I could have left at any time, needing to use the restroom gave me a plausible reason to step out that wasn’t just that the ghosts were too scary.

Leaving the theater was also helpful at a matinee screening. The quieter lobby and bright sunlight allowed me to take a breather when things got too intense. I only stepped out of the theater once during my screening, and because the jump scares were predictable enough not to be a big issue, it was more so because of my large water bottle than anything to do with the film.

5. Try to enjoy what you can

My last piece of advice is to at least try to have a little bit of fun when watching the movie. It certainly wasn’t entirely my cup of tea, but there’s no point in spending the entire screening moping. Despite not having any connection to the franchise, I thought that Ed and Lorraine’s relationship was pretty well done. There’s a surprising amount of time in “The Conjuring: Last Rites” that doesn’t focus on Ed and Lorraine’s ghost hunting, but rather, there is a tonal shift to a family drama confronting intergenerational trauma that takes up a good chunk of the film. Although these elements certainly could have been handled better and lost some of their weight by virtue of the cheap horror scenes that surround them, the chemistry between Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson is undeniable, and that’s absolutely worth something.

In between the sequences where I would curl into a fetal position due to my general response to horror movies, I admittedly enjoyed myself more than I anticipated. Understanding some tools for dealing with the scary parts, at the very least, made the movie palatable for someone not accustomed to the genre. Because when all’s said and done, for all that “The Conjuring: Last Rites” is formulaic and predictable, it’s also a great opportunity to get out to the cinemas and see a film with a room full of those who seek frights.