Opinion | 16 easy steps to grow your hair out during a pandemic

Alex Lyon, senior screenwriting major

Step 1: In March of 2020, get a haircut from your local barber. Think about all of your plans with friends and ignore the news about some virus surfacing throughout the world. 

Step 2: Wait a couple of days for a global pandemic to begin. 

Step 3: Listen to your national government’s stay-at-home order to minimize the effects of the virus.

Step 4: Ignore local and national statements to panic-purchase toilet paper and yeast.

Step 5: Begin thinking that the virus is a scam because it canceled Stagecoach, but watch a video about overcapacity in Italian hospitals on Facebook, see people breathe through ventilators and realize this is absolutely something we need to take seriously as a global population. 

At this point, your hair will be approaching the preliminary stage of long hair development. You have probably been at this stage before, but have not yet made the decision to let your hair fully grow out.

Step 6: Watch “Tiger King.”

Step 7: Realize that case numbers keep rising, people are politicizing mask wearing and stay-at-home orders are extending — meaning you will be inside for much longer than you anticipated.

Step 8: Start drinking. Perhaps one drink a night after a healthy dinner. But quickly increase your intake as your patience for basic inconveniences begins to diminish. Reminder: there is nothing else for you to do and no one to stop you.

Step 9: Wake up after an alcohol-fueled double feature of the “Trolls” movies and take a look at yourself in the mirror. Notice that your hair is getting long — pretty long, actually. You think about cutting it, but why? Who is going to see you? When is the next time you are going to be outside and have to be presentable in front of people? When would it even be safe to see a barber again? Will you ever find love?

Step 10: Drink to forget your question about love. Push those feelings down and finally decide you are going to grow out your hair. Congratulations!

Step 11: Begin to notice everyone’s comments about your hair length. Remind yourself that you are actually doing the socially just thing; by growing out your hair, you are actually symbolizing the importance of staying at home during these times. Your locks have become a political, social, global health and fashion statement. This is not a time to doubt yourself.

Step 12: Doubt everything about yourself when you FaceTime your parents and they call you a hippie. You have officially entered an intermediary period known as the “awkward stage.” Your hair is going to look messy, unkempt and generally disgusting at this point in time.

Step 13: Put your hair in a bun and venture to Target’s hair care section to purchase an appropriately sized brush. Swallow your embarrassment and remind yourself that Jason Momoa is one of the most attractive people on the planet.

Step 14: Discover the obscure power hiding within a bottle of conditioner. With daily application, you start to feel like a Hemsworth. You then remember your recently developed alcoholism, and now you start to feel like an Affleck.

Step 15: FaceTime a friend and discover that they have gotten a haircut. They tell you how safe it was, how good it feels and how you don’t have to keep growing your hair out anymore.

Step 16: Ignore them and relish in the fact that you now have long hair. Not even a pandemic can stop you now.