I don’t care that my boyfriend doesn’t always pay the bill
Graphic by Easton Clark, Photo Editor
Do you care if your boyfriend buys dinner?
As a broke college student with a broke boyfriend, I care much more about who I am having dinner with than who is paying. We treat each other to dinners all the time, but half the time we split the bill. And most of the time, leftovers and frozen pizza do the trick.
Some of you are screaming that he’s a bum and that I deserve more. I hear you! Please keep reading.
I have never been a casual hookup girl. So much so that I’m currently in a three-year long-distance relationship. I was not born with the “casual” gene. However, college is filled with dating and a lot of my friends have dated people, hooked up or situationshipped with people.
As winter rolls in and the holidays creep up, love is in the air and the infamous “cuffing season” has arrived in full swing. It’s these times of the year where I find myself in deep conversations with friends over their love life, dating and everything that comes with it. I find that my friends ask for my advice, as someone in a relationship, and I’ve always loved talking to them about their lives. Basically, I love love.
Overall, dating culture has always fascinated me. I’ve been dating since I was 15 years old, and a lot has changed since then. I’ve learned a lot about myself and the world around me through navigating things at such a young age. At 21, I know what I want and that love takes patience, understanding and commitment.
What I hear the most from my friends is how hard dating is at our age. It’s so hard to get to know people — there’s Tinder and Hinge, and everyone is so bad at talking in real life. If you do start seeing someone, it’s always undefined and scary. When you start dating someone, everyone in your life has an opinion.
Let’s say you do find someone and it works out — there’s still so much pressure. I find myself and my friends in relationships comparing themselves to other couples. Social media has become a breeding ground for this comparison. Millions of people post “red flags” and relationship advice that always just feels like “you could do better” or “dump him immediately.” They listen to what everyone has to say, get way too in their heads and the pressure overwhelms them.
In real life, sometimes it’s exactly the same. I find that some people talk so casually about a lack of commitment. It’s always a push to find someone better, cooler, richer or whatever the trend is. A guy who pays for every meal, or a golden retriever boyfriend who dresses the same as you, or has an older sister or reads books. These ideals and tropes make people question how they really feel, or who they really like.
Look, there are reasons to dump someone and plenty of bad relationships that are toxic and should end. However, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge a change in our dating culture and how I feel that it ties deeply into our values as a society. We have made products out of ourselves and our love interests. There is a deep-rooted feeling that someone will always be better, an unattainable goal to find someone who checks every box with no red flags.
That person does not exist! No one is perfect, not even you! It’s a false advertisement of love. Love is knowing that you’re gonna argue with your partner, but trusting you’ll find a way to understand one another and come out stronger. It’s about knowing a person’s flaws and getting a momentary “ick,” but knowing that you love them either way. Humans are not products and we can’t advertise ourselves as such.
Our society has issues with trends. Whether it’s fast fashion, music or whatever. There’s always something new coming out that you need, that will break immediately or be uncool in four months. You bought a corset top, saw a video that too many girls have the same one, and now it’s at the bottom of your closet. This mindset runs deep. As a culture we move fast to the next best thing, throwing away and forgetting about what we already have. Dating apps have literally become the Depop for singles in your area. Everyone is trying to portray themselves as the ideal partner of their subgroup niche internet aesthetic.
My friends overthink their relationships, taking everyone’s opinion into account, trying to envision themselves in the future, or figure out exactly what their prospective partner is thinking. I always tell them to relax. You have no one to prove anything to. If you’re happy and the person you like is treating you well, stop overthinking it.
If you’re seeing someone, be patient with yourself and them. Not every problem is breakup worthy. Sure, you could hop on Hinge and secure your next date, but there’s something special in choosing someone, deciding that even if you don’t see eye to eye, there is a middle ground. Again, don’t stay with someone you don’t like — but don’t give up on someone you do because you’re scared or your roommate said he’s trash.
You will never know how someone truly feels and what they think. You won’t be able to predict what your life will be like in two years. There’s no way to know if you will end up marrying your crush. But there is one thing you do know: you will never find someone who is the internet's definition of a green flag.
Maybe you won’t budge on dinner, that’s fine. All I am doing is urging you to be less critical — not lower your standards, but think about what your standards are rooted in. I promise you some of your beliefs might just be things that you “feel” like you should care about. Don’t listen to the internet and understand that everyone’s relationship is different.
Consider the fact that relationships take time, trust and understanding. Your partner doesn’t have to like everything you do. Personally, I think they should have many different interests from you. People are not commodities, and even if they were, they aren’t meant to be thrown away.
You should sew up your shirts, darn your socks and superglue your shoes. You should talk things through, stop ghosting and get off social media.
Invest in things that are meant to last. Investing is more than spending money — it’s giving your time, attention and your heart. Sometimes that requires a risk, a feeling of uncertainty. Maybe your investment won’t pay off, but you’ll learn more about yourself and what you are looking for. If you do invest and they do too, you might find something really special: a relationship built on mutual trust and unshakeable by any trend or insecurity.