Review | The Colleen Hoover epidemic has to end with “Regretting You”
Courtesy of Paramount Pictures
Every time I finish a Colleen Hoover book, I have to regain emotional balance and remind myself that good writing exists. So when it was announced that multiple Hoover books were being adapted for the big screen, I was concerned for the entertainment industry.
With great reluctance, I watched “It Ends With Us” when it came out, and I was pleasantly surprised by how mediocre it was. I was expecting to absolutely hate it. But what should have ended there, sadly, didn’t. My terrible movie-loving friend decided my Wednesday night should be spent watching “Regretting You,” the newest Hoover adaptation, and let me tell you: I am regretting it.
“Regretting You” attempts to explore the strained relationship between Morgan and Clara, a mother and daughter, whose lives unravel after a tragic accident in which Morgan loses her husband and her sister. The movie is a failed attempt at being a deep, layered exploration of forgiveness and generational conflict, but ultimately lacks a coherent story structure and a strong plotline.
Five minutes into the movie, I’m already thinking, “None of this makes sense because nobody in the real world behaves like this.” The characters embodied all the unrelatable, chronically online, unfunny Hallmark-movie behavior that everyone hates. The first joke of the movie was about pineapple on pizza, and I think that says a lot about what the next two hours entailed. Multiple times, people in the audience yelled “Shut up!” at the screen, and some even left less than halfway through.
In the first 20 minutes, we are introduced to five characters: Morgan (Allison Williams), who is married to Chris (Scott Eastwood) and raises their daughter, Clara (McKenna Grace), together. And Morgan’s sister, Jenny (Willa Fitzgerald), who has a baby with Jonah (Dave Franco). After a tragic accident reveals the characters' secrets, they all reach a low point. This shocking moment evoked only numbness as the film lacks emotional buildup, and these low moments feel rather monotonous.
We see this again at the end of the movie, when the characters share a classic rom-com “the kiss we’ve been waiting” moment, except that because of the lack of emotional buildup, no one truly cared that the kiss happened. As a romantic comedy lover, I was personally offended at their ability to make a movie so unbearable that the best part was yawn-inducing.
To set the tone, the first scene of the movie shows Miller (Mason Thames) attempting to move a city limit sign so that a pizza place would deliver to him. However, I think we are all aware that moving a city limit sign doesn't change the city limit. He was also attempting to do this on foot, making the task a lot harder than it should be, and keep in mind, for the rest of the movie, he has a car.
As a screenwriter, I am personally always taught to consider believability when writing a script. Does this make sense? What is the plausibility that this would happen? However, apparently, Colleen Hoover doesn't hold herself to the same standard, as the movie clearly was never concerned about plausibility, and that comes up multiple times throughout, making it incredibly irritating to watch.
Additionally, the movie attempted to use countless creative devices, including one that caused physical pain in my body. They would project text messages on the screen and have the character read them out loud. It was an attempt to create this really personal and intimate relationship between the main characters, Clara and Miller, but it only made it easier to hate them, as it was annoying and cringeworthy. About 80% of the dialogue in this movie completely missed the mark. I’m pretty sure if you asked any real 16-year-old girl to describe her crush, she wouldn’t say, “He’s only the coolest guy in school.”
When you look at director Josh Boone and compare his work on “The Fault in Our Stars” to “Regretting You”, it really sheds light on how important good writing is. When a director works with a skilled writer, such as John Green, who crafts a compelling story with emotional stakes and depth, you see that in the results of the movie. However, Colleen Hoover has been given a platform where her terrible work is championed and sold in multiple mediums, but how many disappointing movies later do we decide that it ends?
If movies like this need to be made, they should stay on streaming platforms and far away from the big screen, because we ruin the art every time Hoover hits the multiplex.
So I plead to everyone reading, protect the sanctity of the cinematic arts, and do not watch “Regretting You” or any tragedy Colleen Hoover likes to call a movie.
Rating: 0 out of 5 Paws