Meet my new therapist: A concrete wall

Illustration by Sami Seyedhosseini, Cartoonist

To me, my car feels like my child. In the hours after I damaged “her,” I spent a lot of time thinking about what exactly happened. Minutes after minutes of reflecting on my thoughts, actions and surroundings leading up to the crash led me to: anxiety. 

I don’t necessarily mean how anxious I was feeling in the moment, but the days, weeks and extended time leading up to it. 

Let me catch you up. On Tuesday, I crashed my car and damaged the front of my bumper. Okay, now we're all up to speed. 

I got into an accident and realized I needed to slow down. Not just on the gas, but in my mind. It made me realize how anxiety affects my patterns and habits and how reflecting can help me digest the situation — the true benefit of the doubt.

The doubt being that my bank account is very unhappy with me, and I lost my transportation for a while. The benefit… Well, let’s think this through.

Before the accident there were definitely signs of anxiety, feelings that most of us get. Rushing, mental clutter, distractedness, etc. 

Life is busy for any college student. I am a junior and my plate has piled up more than ever before. Between classes, an internship, a teaching assistant position and my lovely role as Opinions Editor, there is so much to juggle. Even if you’re just starting out as a freshman, you don’t need a million extracurriculars for life to feel a little suffocating. Life has a funny way of doing that for you. 

This year, I have finally incorporated a planner into my routine — long overdue. Still, not everything lands in the pages of that notebook and there’s not enough room on the page to fit it all if it did.

We’ve all heard of, or may fear, an inevitable burnout. Before the crash, I didn’t realize I was already flirting with burnout — not just tired, but losing clarity, mental sharpness and a stable sense of control within my life.

So, what is the benefit of my crash? A forced reset on my mind. “Forced” sounds a bit negative, but after the initial “Oh shit! What did I do?” I realized I needed this push toward a reset, whether I wanted it or not.

It was an unavoidable moment of reflection. Since then, I have still caught myself getting riled up in moments or dragged away by spiraling thoughts. But noticing is progress. The next step is to face those thoughts and work with them, instead of working against them.

Anxiety can be scary, because sometimes you don’t realize that it’s there. Sometimes, those big feelings all add up to you, at least in your mind. 

It’s been less than a week since my poor car took a spin into a very large wall — why was it so big? I’m pretty sure it jumped out at me. 

All jokes aside, there have been moments these past few days where I replay the second it happened. I can hear the impact, see the gaping expression on my friends’ faces who were in the car. But mostly, in those moments, I can feel all the embarrassment soak back into my body, physically causing me to cringe and shake my head. I think about what would’ve happened if I slowed down or maybe gotten stopped at a red light before. 

But then, I remember that the past is as cemented as the wall I hit; it was not going to change. That’s okay, and years down the road I will laugh about the accident and tell the story to my kids with ridiculously dragged out details to “scare” them into slowing down themselves. 

Maybe that’s what anxiety does best. It sneaks around and makes you think it’s who you are. But you can learn to separate the noise from your thoughts. I’m learning to slow down, even if it took a crash to realize it.

Maybe you don’t need to hit a wall to slow down — but if you're feeling the signs, take the pause. Your mind will thank you.

Tip: Something that has helped me when I’m feeling anxious is putting my life in a broader perspective. Taking a step back and seeing how far I’ve come and how much my life has changed in the past six months, a year and so on. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Author’s note: I was sent this quote after I finished writing this story, but I think it is fitting to add. Some fruit for thought:

“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” - Albert Einstein.